Now Hiring: B.F.F./Sales

I want my place of employment to hire another salesperson. We definitely need one, we've been crazy busy. I've also decided I need a B.F.F. so I want the new salesperson to also be my new B.F.F. I've come up with what I'm looking for:
A hard worker with a background in sales or customer service is a must, for the job related parts of the new hire.
For the B.F.F position I have just a few more requests...
I want a married woman, around my age. She should be good-looking but not more attractive than me. She should be one size bigger than I am with a closet full of gently worn designer"skinny clothes" that she graciously surrenders to me. She must have a good sense of humor, but in no way be as funny as I am (I know that it would be hard to find someone funnier than I, but I must put that in just-in-case. She should say random funny things, that will be able to quoted out-of-context for years to come. She must collect things, so we can go antique shopping together. She should drive a Toyota. She should have cats, but no more than 3 and not want to have kids for a few more years. She should live within 2-10 miles from me, no closer, no further. She should have a nice comfortable home with a big yard and a heated pool. Her husband has to be similar to my own (but not as good-looking, funny or as excelled in athletic ability, game playing ability or grilling ability). He can become my husband's B.F.F. This is all that I ask. I can interview candidates.